“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort