We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…