We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
everyone’s a critic
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.