“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
<- sleeps well with others
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Canada has crack?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.