We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
You Might Also Like
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Baller is short for ballerina
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.