“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Goat cheese is for herders.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?