We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums