We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.