We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too