We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.