We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.