We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza