We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
thinking about this
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”