@chrisscarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

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@iwearaonesie

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@mxmclain

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”