We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*


Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.


I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.


Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…


I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious


My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?


I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN


Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.


My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”