we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Admin smashed it 😂
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I told my vodka about you.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.