We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
True?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra