we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*