“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
@ candidates for local office
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!