We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡