We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I didn’t realize that was an option
I am never leaving this website
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.