Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

My biological clock is wheezing.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

groan^2

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago