We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?