we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
You Might Also Like
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I bet
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.