We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
tinder is all about the long game
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast