We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end