we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me recordaron éste meme
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Love is in the air fryer.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
phew
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*