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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?