we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
the official breakfast of 2021
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
what’s really going on
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.