We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.