We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*