“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
same bro
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
@funTweeters
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.