We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
You Might Also Like
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.