we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring