We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You Might Also Like
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My whole life was a lie.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: