We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.