We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
liiiiiiiiike