We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits