We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
do u think theres a butter planet?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.