We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
#math
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.