We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.