We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
#Caturday
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I feel attacked.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.