“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it