We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
CRYING
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it