We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.