We will use anything but the metric system
You Might Also Like
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*