We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.


Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.


Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ


Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth


I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.


Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself


I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.


Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation


If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.



Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…