We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?