@Stellacopter

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

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@WalkingOutside

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

@Jennifergr8

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

@QwertyJones3

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

@AimeeHelene1

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

@samalmightysam

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.