Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.