Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.