[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Not today, today.
Not today.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”